Self. Aware. 1

It was around four years ago, riddled with anxiety as I tried to sleep, that I turned on my phone and let it play benign content on loop. I did it one night, then the next, and then weeks, months, years went by.

The trick, I learned, was to find movies or shows not overly action-packed — no explosions or screaming to wake me up or give me bad dreams— ; not excessively emotional. Uncomplicated. Animated children’s movies, more introspective films, or even comedies if the laugh track wasn’t too obnoxious. The idea was something to focus on while falling asleep; and if/when I awoke, something my mind could latch onto in order to hopefully fall back to sleep. Something safe to focus on before the murmur of any real concerns could take hold bringing me fully awake, alone, confused, anxious.

Kind of like I am now.

The actual reason I turned my phone on that first night years ago was because I left a job I had been at for awhile. It had been my decision to leave. I was not challenged, they weren’t getting what they deserved, and it was time to move on. It was hardly the first job I had left and it was a victory by all accounts. I had done well. There were no hard feelings. I was on to new adventures and lessons. It didn’t make sense I suddenly couldn’t easily do (switch jobs) what I had done without negative consequence many times before.

But my mind that first night was relentless. Like tonight.

Maybe I should have tried harder to listen to whatever it was stirring around. I guess I was scared.

From the time I struck out on my own at 16… I have done fairly well. Doing well has meant not looking too close though. Not looking too close at the scars I have acquired along the way. After all, what could be down a road like that except pain and self pity? Not to mention if I ever sat down and really felt any of it, who is to say if I would actually be able to get back up and keep walking?

Looking back now, I think somehow leaving that job — these people who had shown confidence and given me opportunity — was somehow one cut too many, one loss too many, one good-bye too many. Maybe we each really have a capacity limit to the losses our minds can make peace with; or in my case peacefully ignore, as had been my strategy for decades.

I didn’t have a break down back then. The days were and are busy; the phone trick worked to keep all the thoughts that come at night when my guard is down at bay.

Currently, for the last several months, maybe longer, it is Big Bang Theory that plays on repeat through the night. I sometimes wonder what Google with their data analytics algorithm makes of that. I get lots of article suggestions about everything the show, even though I am not a huge fan and wasn’t an avid watcher when it was on the air. I own every season but the last though. I suppose that is probably indicative of something.

On a previous series I watched, I owned the final season, but would never play it. I didn’t want to wake up to any sad good-byes from the final show. It isn’t about being sad at their endings, it is about being reminded of my own endings I guess. All the endings, all the uncertainty, all the years of just walking while people fell away, confusing things happened… victories mounted, but losses did as well...

Oh my god. The losses.

When I awoke at a little after midnight tonight, the comedy sitcom on repeat didn’t work.

Yesterday I got offered a new project, one I am excited about. I took my kids and their dad (my ex but we maintain a true friendship) out to supper. I didn’t voice that it was a celebration dinner, but I justified the expense by telling myself it was. I tried to connect with my boyfriend and failed because we work different schedules, live far apart, and his ex and him don’t have the kind of friendship my ex and I do for our kids’ sake.

Not long before bed I spoke at length on the phone to my younger kid brother — in foster care in another state — and tried to encourage him. His sister, in the same situation, texted me and I laughed at her jokes. I try to encourage her as well. They are on a road similar to the one I was on at their age and I am trying to help as best I can, however they want.

There is also, of course, the pandemic… and the nastiness that is people when it comes to politics these days. And my house is being painted and I wonder if they are painting it the right color. It is probably too late to stop them. Why is my engine suddenly making a pinging sound — why doesn’t the mechanic know if it’s a $300 problem or a $1500 problem?

I kept walking all those years because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t really mourn my losses. I didn’t want pity or to be seen as a victim. I was strong. I would prove everyone wrong. I would be okay.

I guess I succeeded. Except it is the middle of the night. I am fully awake... and, in hindsight, really tired.